Thursday, April 11, 2013

Big Green Al

Gather 'round folks and I'll tell you the tale of Big Green Al. Now some folk will try to tell you that Big Green Al is a stretcher--one of them made up stories like Paul Bunyan or Pecos Bill. But that's hogwash! Big Green Al's a living American hero...

Why when Al was only two days old he planted his first tree. That's right, he was set down in the yard by his mama. She was tired of holding him because he weighed 20 pounds at birth. Well, no sooner had she set him down than he grabbed a seed and poked it into the ground.
Well sir, that seed done growed up into a tall fir tree in just ONE week! They say that Big Green Al grew up right along with it. Both of them 200 feet tall.

Now Al, being so tall a lad felt awful bad about taking up so much space so he vowed to conserve the earth the best he knew how. So when Christmas came Al told his mama that they would use the big green fir for the Christmas tree rather than a store-bought plastic one. Not only would this save non-renewable fossil fuels but the tree would take harmful CO2 out of the air.

When Al was old enough to get a driver's license he couldn't wait to buy one of them fancy, hybrid/electric cars. But there was just one problem--he couldn't fit into one of them tiny cars. If normal-sized folk had trouble squeezing in 'em, then, by golly! there was no way a lad a couple hundred feet tall could. So Al vowed to walk everywhere he went. This made him superior to all those folk on buses, trains, and certainly SUVs. Besides, it didn't take him long to get where he wanted to go since he was so tall.

Why was he called Big GREEN Al, you say? Well some says it's because of his love for plants. Others say it's because he was green from head to toe. In fact, he planted so many vegetables and gave them away to folks that he got quite a reputation. Folks would say, "Go see the big green giant, and he'll give you some vegetables." This was Al's way of trying to get people to be vegetarians. Well, a canning company noticed it and started using his reputation to sell their cans of vegetables. But they changed the name to "Green Giant" and didn't pay Al a cent. That's corporate America, for ya!

One day, Al was checking out some wind farms in Texas when he ran into the meanest, dirtiest snake of them all, Tex Oilman. Now Tex was just as tall as Al but instead of walking everywhere he had an enormous truck. It got negative miles-to-the-gallon and belched out black smoke constantly especially when Tex would peel out the wheels.
Tex was eating a steak when he drove up and smoking a cigarette, unfiltered of course.
"You better stop it, Tex." Al would say, "Or I'll..."
"Or you'll what?" said Tex.
"You're kind is dying, Tex. A new generation of earth-conscience, eco-friendly people is on the rise. Just look around at these wind turbines." said Al boldly.
"Who do you think owns them wind turbines?" snarled Tex. "I'll tell you who--me and my oil companies!"
As Tex stepped out of the truck Al noticed that Tex had a pumpjack for a belt buckle... and wind turbines for spurs.
Well sir, the truth broke Al's heart that day into pieces. He slunk away never to be seen again.
Ole Tex Oilman is still somewhere out west around Odessa. Legend says that Big Green Al can be spotted on busy days around Whole Foods Market in Austin.
And on cold, still nights, if you are real quiet-like you can still hear Tex and Al arguing about the environment coming from the Texas State Capitol building.


  1. "Well some says it's because of his love for plants. Others say it's because he was green from head to toe."

    These are great, Barry!

  2. Thanks, Derek! Just trying to stretch my creative muscles. I'll never catch up with you though =o) I'm enjoying finally writing something. I've been talking about doing it for a long time. A lot of these stories came from making them up for the kids before bed.