Jack, the Giant, and the Dragon

Once there was a small boy who lived in a small hut in a small village. His name was Jack. He was very skinny for he ate very little. Like all boys Jack loved to eat but there was nothing for him except a few small potatoes from a meager garden by the hut. At dinner his step-father would eat most of the potatoes and even the bread. Then Step-father would leave the rest on his plate for Jack's mother. "Here," he said loudly, "I am finished with this tasteless food." Jack's mother would take the scraps and try to hand them to Jack secretly.

"No, Mother." Jack whispered. "You must eat."

"Nonsense," said Mother. "I ate yesterday and besides you are growing. I want you to grow tall like your father."

Yes... Father. Father had been dead for two winters but Jack remembered well his smiling face and tickly beard. Father was a tall, skinny woodcutter who worked long days. Because of those long days Jack and his mother had wood to keep the fire going during the coldest days of winter. There was always plenty to eat as well from the profit of the extra wood that Father sold. One night as Father worked alone, a tall tree fell on him and pinned him to the ground. The evening wolves arrived as he lay there and Father never came home.

Jack remembered seeing his mother cry and saying "With your father gone I do not know what we will eat." But then Thomas came to the door and said to Mother "I need a wife to cook and clean. I have a hut and food, but only enough food for you and me, not that little runt!" Mother told Jack they would have a new home with her new husband. She would share her food with Jack. The small boy had no choice. He quickly learned to be scared of Thomas and only said, "Yes, Step-father." when addressed by him.

"What are you whispering about?" thundered Step-father. "Runt, leave your mother's food alone and go to bed!"

"Yes, Step-father." said Jack. As Jack walked toward his bed, Step-father slapped him on the back of the head. "If you do not go to sleep soon I will knock you out myself!"

Jack cried quietly and fell asleep.

The next morning Jack awoke to rumbling sounds outside and people shouting. Jack rubbed his eyes and looked around. "What is happening, Mother?" Jack said.

"Do not go outside, Jack, it is too dangerous!" said Mother. "Your step-father has gone to grab food from burning houses."

"Burning houses!" cried Jack and he jumped up and ran outside. There Jack saw a giant--a man who was taller than any of the village huts. The giant had dark eyes and blood running from the corner of his mouth.

Jack could not believe his eyes for he also saw a dragon, a green one with a long curved neck and fire coming out of its mouth. The giant punched the dragon with his meaty hand and the dragon bit the giant's arm.

The giant yelled, "Go away dragon! This is MY village. I am going to eat these people."

The dragon hissed back, "Stupid giant, I will eat these people and then eat YOU!"

Jack had heard about the giant and the dragon before from travelers who came to town. The giant would go from village to village scooping up people and eating them. The dragon also roamed the countryside killing people with his fire and eating their hearts out. Both of them would turn the earth brown and kill crops by their dark magic. Now they had come to Jack's village and were fighting each other.

All the villagers watched as the dragon and the giant fought. "Oh well," said Sam the Butcher "they will kill each other." Then Sam walked back to his hut. "Perhaps we should go to another village." said a farmer calmly. "I will pretend I did not see this." said John the Baker.

"Wait," cried Jack, "someone must stop the giant and dragon!" But no one listened. All the people muttered to themselves and walked off. Glenda the old maid grabbed Jack by the wrist and said, "If you have any sense you will go hide yourself or they will find you. And if they find you, they will kill you. The taylor's family has already been burned alive in their hut."

Jack rubbed his wrist and walked toward the giant and dragon who were still fighting. He walked past the smoking taylor's hut. He saw a burned body on the ground outside. It was Step-father. He had a large hole in his chest where the dragon had eaten out his heart.

Jack shuddered and almost burst into tears. "Someone must stop the giant and dragon!" he thought. Jack pictured his mother frightened inside their hut waiting to be burned and eaten. Jack pictured his father pinned helplessly beneath a tree and being attacked by wolves.

Jack ran toward the giant and dragon. He got so close he could feel the wind from the giant's punches and the heat from the dragon's fire.

Jack squeaked with all his might, "Go AWAY you wicked beasts! LEAVE!"

Jack trembled as the giant and dragon turned to look at him and braced himself to be eaten.

"ANT!" thundered the giant "I will crush you."
"How DARE you speak to me, boy!" hissed the dragon "I will turn you to ashes."

Their evil and might were too much for him. Jack sobbed and fell to his knees.

Suddenly, the elf-king on his large white stallion appeared. His crown was shining gold, his beard was the darkest red and he carried a lance so long and straight it looked like the trunk of a tall tree. Without a word, the elf-king charged his horse at the dragon with blinding speed. The magical lance sunk deep into the body of the dragon. It burned away all flesh it touched and turned the tough hide to smoke. The dragon writhed then collapsed into ash.

The giant, seeing that the dragon was dead, smiled with a wicked grin and swung his huge fist at the elf-king. From his hip the elf-king drew a sword that shone like the sun and in a flash cut off the giant's fist in mid-swing.

The giant howled in pain and raised his bloody arm which now had no hand. "I have killed a thousand lesser men than you, Elf, and you will die too!" cried the giant.

Then the giant leaped at the elf-king with all his weight. With a loud crack he landed belly first on the ground trying to crush the elf-king. But the elf-king atop his stallion was quicker than the wind. He was not under the giant when he landed. Instead, the elf-king appeared by the giant's head.

Leaping from the saddle the elf-king struck with the brilliant sword like a woodcutter splitting wood. The giant's enormous head rolled off like the wheel of a cart. It came to rest near Jack who stared into the whites of the giant's rolled-back eyes.

Jack dared not rise from his knees in the presence of one so great as the elf-king but suddenly the elf-king stood in front of him and raised his tiny chin with his strong hand. "Jack, you may be small, but you spoke the truth. Well done."

Then the elf-king smiled and mounted his stallion. He galloped triumphantly. As he rode, the ground beneath the horse's hooves turned a lush green color.

Jack ran home to his hut. He could not believe his eyes. Their meager garden was now a beautiful orchard with full fruit trees. In fact, everywhere Jack looked, there were beautiful flowers and vegetation. The land was healed. The door opened and Jack's mother ran to him and kissed him and hugged him.

"Oh, Jack," she said while crying with joy, "you are alive!"
"I AM alive, Mother." said Jack. "And we will never have to worry about food again."

Two Tired Eagles

Two tired eagles soared high in the sky!
They climbed and climbed all day, shrieking as loud as they could, at times diving and pouncing, at times flying-but always moving.
As the sun began to set they circled lower and lower, coming in for a landing. The two tired, happy eagles perched on thick branches that turned into arms. The arms lowered them into beds rather than nests. Two little boys now lay down to rest.
Just below an eagle nose, a dad puckered his lips and pecked the boys on the head with a kiss. "Goodnight, my eagles."

Monster ABCs

"Goodnight, Taylor." Mom said.

"Wait! Don't turn out the light!" cried Taylor.
"What's wrong?" asked Mom.
"Uh, I want to read some more." said Taylor. Actually, this was only half true. He was dreading the moment the lights went out.

"Oh, Taylor! You're not reading those monster books again are you?" asked Mom. Taylor's look of shame told her everything.

"Oh, sweetie, I told you not to get any more of those books from the library. You know they give you nightmares."

"But I'm not scared," protested Taylor. "I like them. Just leave the lights on so I can read." he whined.

Dad walked by, peeked his head in the door, and said, "We're not leaving the lights on all night. You're too old to have a night light. Besides, it wastes electricity."

"Ok," said Taylor pouting.

Click! Off went the lights. Taylor buried himself under the covers with only the pale moonlight shining through his window to light his room.

Upstairs, Mom and Dad were talking. "Do you think we were too hard on him?" Mom asked Dad.

"No, no. The boy's got to grow up sometime." said Dad.

"I think it would be nice if you would go down there and reassure him." said Mom.
"Psshh," Dad exhaled while hardly opening his lips. "Honey, I just laid down in bed."
"Please?" said Mom. When Dad didn't budge Mom reminded him that two nights ago Taylor came yelling into their room about a werewolf being outside his window. It took a long time to calm him down and convince him that it was only the same noisy dog barking in a neighbor's yard as it was every night.
Dad threw off the covers and grabbed a small flashlight from a drawer in the bedside table and went downstairs.

"Hey buddy," said Dad. "I brought you a magic flashlight."
"Really?" said Taylor.
"Yep. You can't keep it on all night but when you need to check out something in the room it will show you that there's no monsters." said Dad. "Well, goodnight, then."
"Thanks, Dad, goodnight!" Taylor replied.

Just as soon as Dad was up the stairs, Taylor clicked on the flashlight. He knew he should go to sleep but he pulled out a monster book from underneath his pillow instead. A week ago Taylor had found some books in the "young adult" section of the library about ghost stories, monsters, and unexplained mysteries. Some of the drawings in the ghost book were so freaky that Taylor could not bring himself to read the story with it (like that moaning, bloody head on p. 25!) Even though the stories terrified him he could not stop reading the books. He wanted to know what defeated werewolves (silver) and vampires (garlic, wooden stake) in case he ever met one. Plus he was curious to know what happened in the stories. What was in that old house on the hill? Why did people keep disappearing at Camp Murky Lake?

"I'll read this one." Taylor thought. "It looks like a kid's book and shouldn't be too scary."

MONSTER ABCs by Gaye Ping Maw
A is for an Amoeba absorbing adolescents

Taylor saw a picture of two teenagers sitting in a car at a drive-in movie theater with a look of terror on their faces as a gelatinous blob was eating them and the whole car. He continued to read.

B is for a Banshee bobbing by the bedside
C is for a Cyclops cracking craniums
D is for Dragons dragging damsels
E is for an Evil Eye eliminating enemies
F is for Frankenstein flinging fetters

Taylor thought the picture of Frankenstein was really cool. The monster was snapping chains from the laboratory table and lurching towards a wide-eyed doctor. He also liked the picture of the dragons. He hurried past the picture of the banshee though. It looked rather like a ghost and the bed it bobbed by looked rather like his. Taylor read on.

G is for Gremlins grinning at Goblins.
H is for a Headless Horseman haunting the hollows
I is for Insects invading institutions
J is for a Jabberwock jutting jagged jaws
K is for a Kraken killing kayakers
L is for Leprechauns licking lips
M is for a Minotaur munching men
N is for Nosferatu nibbling necks
O is for Ogres ogling outside
P is for Python pinning prey.
Q is for Quasimodo quartering quietly
R is for Robots rioting rebelliously
S is for a Sea Serpent swimming silently
T is for a Troll tricking travelers
U is for Undead ululating unpleasantly
V is for Vampires vexing villagers
W is for Werewolves watching wayfarers
X is for eXtraterrestrials eXhuming autopsy X-rays
Y is for a Yeti yanking youths from yurts
Z is for Zombies Zeroing-in on Zealots

By the time Taylor got to the last picture he was thoroughly creeped out! Monks frantically threw holy water down from the top of the abbey walls onto the legions of zombies closing in. But Taylor could tell by the hopeless expressions drawn on the monks faces that it was only a matter of time before the zombies ate their brains.

Taylor clutched the magic flashlight and prayed to God that its tiny battery would last all night. He fell asleep thinking about monsters new and old.

*****
Suddenly, Taylor woke up and cautiously peeked through half-closed eyes. The magic flashlight had gone out—but worse there was a (gulp) Presence in the room!
Taylor laid as still as a corpse with the blanket pulled up to his chin. "Perhaps," thought Taylor, "if I am very still the Presence will not notice me and go away."
But the Presence came closer, making the faintest of sounds while disturbing the stillness of the room. And now Taylor felt something lightly touching the foot of his bed.
Taylor did not dare move or he knew he would be eaten although his heart beat so hard he thought he would die.
The Presence brushed Taylor's leg and then his elbow. It came so close to Taylor's face he could feel it through his clenched eyes.
"Meow"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" 

Skittles the cat jumped and then tore out of Taylor's room like it was on fire.
Taylor continued to yell and cry while trying to find the light switch. He blubbered and stumbled and finally clicked on the light.

Dad was the first one down the stairs but when he realized there wasn't a burglar or break-in he turned to go back up the stairs. Dad's messed up hair and groggy state made him look like a zombie as he shuffled back upstairs. Mom came down in her robe and sat next to Taylor on his bed rubbing his back and soothing him.

The next day at breakfast neither Taylor nor the cat were happy with each other. The morning sun brought a bright new day without monsters and Taylor felt really silly about all the commotion the night before. He also swore to take back the monster books to the library—that day!
"It's a shame I didn't finish the last book." thought Taylor.
*****
Later that night, Taylor pulled a book from underneath his pillow. He had a new battery in the magic flashlight and it illuminated the title of the book he held, "Ghoulish tales of Ghastliness."

The Silver Key

The peddler's wagon creaked and groaned with every bump and dip of the road.

A tired ox pulled the dilapidated wagon slowly along. From the wheels to the bulging walls the wagon threatened to break under the weight of pans, pots, furniture, furnishings, toys, tools, carpets, crates, chests, cages, jewelry, and junk piled high or hung on it. Who knows what else lay inside! No doubt if the side door of the carriage were opened then the contents would rush out.

Old Kaspov, the peddler, held the reins of the ox and hawked his wares as he drove.

"Chairs! Chairs, for sell or to mend!
Purchase a plow! to lease or lend!
Fishing hooks, meat hooks, flesh hooks, shepherd crooks
Bottles, bags, boxes, bins, blankets and books
Trinkets, charms, charts, maps, spells
and shoes and shirts made by elves."

Three dirty boys ran up to the side of the wagon and waved their arms frantically. "Halt!" they cried, "Halt! We wish to buy something."

Old Kaspov smiled and pulled back on the reins. The ox immediately turned to the side and began chomping at the weeds on the edge of the road.

"Buy something you say?" grinned Kaspov. "Have you got any money?"
"We do, we do!" all three said.
"And how would three dirty boys like yourselves get their hands on money?"

"Please, sir." said the oldest. "We are three brothers and farmers like our father. Our crops are just harvested and sold and our father has given us some coins to spend as we like." Upon saying this the three opened their hands. The sun shone off the gold and silver bits that they held.

At this the old man came alive—moving quickly for a gentleman of his age. He hopped down from the seat and bustled to open the side door of the wagon which tumbled out into a folding table. On the table was a great, bulging carpet which Kaspov rolled out to reveal wonderful treasures tucked inside. Then he pulled a wooden lever. Hinges squeaked as panels opened with more items.
There, before the three brothers, stood a shop—a roadside bazaar.

"Me first!" shouted the littlest brother and pushed his way to the table.
"And what is your name, little boy?" asked Kaspov.
"I'm Hasty Harry," he replied. "And I want to buy something amazing—right now!"

"Might I interest you in some magic seeds which grow into the most delicious fruit trees? These are trees which never lack fruit year-round. And the more fruit you eat the more they produce." Kaspov held the tiny black seeds for all the brothers to see.

"How long do they take to grow?" asked Hasty Harry.

"Oh, in just ten years you will have fruit from them." replied Kaspov.

"Ten years! No way." said Hasty Harry. "I need something that will help me now."

"I see." said Kaspov. "Then perhaps you would like to buy these shoes made by elves. They will always fit your feet, they will never wear out, and you will be able to run like the wind."

"Deal!" said Hasty Harry and he slapped the coins down in Kaspov's hand and grabbed the shoes. In hardly no time at all Harry had put on the shoes and was running hither and yon with blazing speed.

The oldest brother stepped up to the table next.

"And what is your name, lad?" asked Kaspov.
"I am Practical Pete," he said, "and I want to buy something reliable—something that will help me everyday."

Kaspov rummaged around the wagon and brought out a ring ornamented with a red stone. "This is a true-heart ring." said Kaspov. "This ring will help you find and marry a woman with a beautiful heart. She will be a great wife and help you everyday for the rest of your life."

"But I'm not going to get married for at least five years!" protested Practical Pete. "Don't you have something that will help me now?"

Kaspov smirked and brought out a fishing pole. "This is an enchanted fishing pole. Fish cannot resist its magic. With it you will be able to catch at least five fish a day for the rest of your life."

"I'll take it!" said Practical Pete for he really loved to fish. Pete gave the coins to Kaspov then took the pole, hands shaking with excitement.

Finally the third brother, who had waited to go last stepped up to the table. He had been carefully considering what to buy and was wondering if he should buy the magic seeds or the true-heart ring.

"Who are you, now?" asked Kaspov.

"I am Look-Ahead Luke." said the middle brother. Luke spied a silver key hanging on a chain just inside of the wagon.

"What is that silver key?" asked Look-Ahead Luke pointing.

"What? Oh, that. Not for sale." said Kaspov, looking a little cross.
"May I see it, still?" persisted Look-Ahead Luke.

Kaspov reluctantly grabbed the key and handed it to Luke who turned it over slowly in his hand. Luke noticed the picture of a shield at the top of the key.

"What does this key unlock?" asked Luke.
"That's just the thing," said Kaspov, "no one knows! I have spent many years trying it on locks and have never found its match."

"I'll take it." said Look-Ahead Luke. "For where there is a key, there is a lock to be opened. And what can a shield mean but a great protection in the day of trouble."

"You fool!" said Kaspov. "Would you spend your gold on a key that might be useless?"

"No," said Luke. "I would gladly give up what I have for something greater."

Kaspov stared at the coins in Luke's hands. He reached to take them but hesitated. Then Kaspov grabbed them quickly and replaced them with the silver key.

Business was done and Kaspov packed up quickly. With a pull of the lever all the panels snapped back and even the table folded up again right through the side door. Off went the peddler driving a wagon with an ox who chomped a mouthful of weeds. The three brothers never saw Old Kaspov or his wagon again.

Hasty Harry soon found a job as a courier. No one in the land was faster than Hasty Harry with his elven shoes. Day after day Harry delivered messages for lords, ladies, merchants, and farmers. Harry liked his job and liked to run but as the years passed by Harry wondered what would have happened if he had bought the magic seeds. "If I had planted the magic seeds I could be eating its fruit this year." thought Harry. "And I could sell the extra fruit year-round instead of having to make a living with my feet."

Practical Pete fished day after day with his enchanted fishing pole. He caught so many fish that he became a fishmonger. He would sell his fish daily in the market and always had plenty to eat. However, Pete missed the days when fishing was difficult. He remembered how he would sit for hours trying to outsmart the fish with technique and bait. Now fishing was just too easy. What Practical Pete really wanted now was a wife! He wondered if he would ever find a woman who would marry a man who smelled like fish. He wished he had bought the true-heart ring.

Look-Ahead Luke kept his silver key on a chain around his neck. He searched for many years to find what it would unlock but never found it.
"Oh well," he thought, "that's the risk I took when I bought the key."
Since he did not have elven shoes or an enchanted fishing pole like his brothers, Luke had to learn to work hard. He farmed a small piece of land that his father had given him and carefully saved his money to buy a ring. Luke knew that he could not buy the true-heart ring so he searched for a woman himself who would make a good wife. Humble Hannah, the simple, kind, and pretty daughter of a neighboring farmer was a childhood friend of Luke. They soon married and became even better friends.

One evening after a long, hard day of farming, Luke and Hannah took a walk together to enjoy the evening breeze. They chatted, and laughed at each other's silly stories as they walked. Luke picked up stones from the path and tossed them at a pile of rocks at the bottom of a hill.

"Listen!" said Hannah suddenly. "Throw another rock, Luke, right where you threw the last."
Luke tossed another rock and listened as it clattered and echoed down a hole.

"A cave!" said Hannah. Luke rushed over to the small hole near the pile and dug around it removing weeds and dirt until he could squeeze down into it.
"Be careful Luke!" Hannah pleaded.

"It's not too deep!" said Luke. Using the light from the hole above Luke shuffled forward a few feet until he stood in front of a smooth stone door. Luke pushed on it but it did not budge. Then he noticed the picture of a shield on the door.
"Could it be?" gasped Luke. He took the silver key from the chain on his neck and carefully placed it in the door lock. Slowly he turned the key and...

It worked! The door swung inward to reveal a treasure hoard: glittering gold coins, shimmering silver, strings of pearls, rubies the size of walnuts that caught the fading light of the sun and blazed like fire, elegant swords, shining shields, crowns encrusted with jewels, a scepter made of ivory and royal robes made of silk! And there was even more that he could not make out in the dim light.

*****
A few years later an impressive castle made of red stone sat on a high hill. Knights with elegant swords and shining shields guarded its entrance. A bustling town full of happy folk sat encircled in its walls. The fastest messenger in the land, Harry, brought news to and from the king. Pete, the royal fishmonger supplied tasty fish to the king's table everyday. King Luke and Queen Hannah were loved by all the people.

And stitched on every flag flapping over the castle was a silver key.

The Naughty Leprechaun

Handy O'Toole was a naughty leprechaun. He loved to spook, scare, surprise, and startle anyone who came his way.

One morning the baker was walking along the road and carrying a large basket of fresh bread in his arms. Handy O'Toole crept up quietly behind the baker as he paused to catch his breath.

"Surprise!" shouted Handy and the Baker was so startled he threw all the bread up in the air and the basket landed on his head. 

"Ah ha-ha," laughed Handy heartily.

"Why you!" said the baker whose face was red with anger. 

"Off I go!" said Handy and he quickly scurried away from the baker while still laughing.

The next day a pretty young maiden came along with a large basket of eggs that she was carrying to the market. She was day-dreaming about a handsome farm boy who had smiled at her that morning so she did not notice when Handy O'Toole crept up behind her. 

"Look out!" shrieked Handy. The maiden gave a scream and dropped the basket of eggs which broke nearly every one of them. 

"Handy O'Toole, you are very, very bad!" she shouted and her pretty face was scrunched up in an ugly look. She quickly stooped to pick up some unbroken eggs and hurled them at Handy. He was much too fast to be hit by them though. He merely skipped and jumped away while laughing.

The next day the king himself was walking along the road with his trusted knight, Sir Cuthbert. Handy O'Toole crept up behind the king and yelled, "Long live the King!"

The king jerked violently at the sound and the crown tumbled down off his head and plopped into the mud.

Handy O'Toole rolled on the ground with laughter. The king was furious and said in a solemn voice, "Sir Cuthbert, I command you to spank that leprechaun!"

"No, no!" shrieked Handy O'Toole and he took off running. He ran quickly down the road and after a mile or so he stopped to catch his breath and look over his shoulder. There behind him he saw Sir Cuthbert in his shining armor still coming after him.

"Oh no!" said Handy and he left the road to run towards the river. Once he got to the river he jumped in the only canoe there and quickly paddled to an island in the middle of the river.

"There!" he said. "Sir Cuthbert will never follow me out here. The river is much too high and fast for him to get me." But Handy was wrong.

Sir Cuthbert stepped into the river and plowed through it one step at a time until he was almost to the island. Handy jumped up and got in the canoe and paddled furiously for the other side of the river. He jumped out of the canoe when he got to the shore and ran up the side of a tall hill  nearby. Exhausted, Handy sat down at the very top. 

"Now!" he said. "Sir Cuthbert will never find me here." But Handy was wrong. When he looked down the hill he saw Sir Cuthbert walking straight up it towards him and getting closer!

Handy ran, slid, bumped, and thumped down the other side of the hill, falling down a few times since he was in such a hurry. He quickly ran into the forest and traveled two more miles until he came to the tallest tree in the forest. Using all the strength he had left he climbed to the top of it.

"Whew!" he said. "Sir Cuthbert will never be able to get me now." But Handy was wrong. Chop, chop, chop--Sir Cuthbert was chopping the tree down!

The tree fell with a mighty crash and Handy jumped out and tried to run but Sir Cuthbert caught him by the back of his shirt. 

"No, no, no! Don't spank me!" shouted Handy O'Toole but Sir Cuthbert turned him over his knee and swatted his bottom three times.

"Whaa!" cried Handy. "I am so sorry! I should have never scared all those people. Please forgive me." 

Sir Cuthbert hugged Handy and told him, "You are forgiven. No more mean surprises though."

"OK," said Handy. "I promise."

But on occasion Handy cannot contain himself...

"Happy birthday!" shouted Handy and Grandpa nearly fell over dead with shock. Everybody else in the room smiled and laughed as they brought out the cake.

Big Green Al

Gather 'round folks and I'll tell you the tale of Big Green Al. Now some folk will try to tell you that Big Green Al is a stretcher--one of them made up stories like Paul Bunyan or Pecos Bill. But that's hogwash! Big Green Al's a living American hero...

Why when Al was only two days old he planted his first tree. That's right, he was set down in the yard by his mama. She was tired of holding him because he weighed 20 pounds at birth. Well, no sooner had she set him down than he grabbed a seed and poked it into the ground.
Well sir, that seed done growed up into a tall fir tree in just ONE week! They say that Big Green Al grew up right along with it. Both of them 200 feet tall.

Now Al, being so tall a lad felt awful bad about taking up so much space so he vowed to conserve the earth the best he knew how. So when Christmas came Al told his mama that they would use the big green fir for the Christmas tree rather than a store-bought plastic one. Not only would this save non-renewable fossil fuels but the tree would take harmful CO2 out of the air.

When Al was old enough to get a driver's license he couldn't wait to buy one of them fancy, hybrid/electric cars. But there was just one problem--he couldn't fit into one of them tiny cars. If normal-sized folk had trouble squeezing in 'em, then, by golly! there was no way a lad a couple hundred feet tall could. So Al vowed to walk everywhere he went. This made him superior to all those folk on buses, trains, and certainly SUVs. Besides, it didn't take him long to get where he wanted to go on account of him being so tall.

Why was he called Big GREEN Al, you say? Well some says it's because of his love for plants. Others say it's because he was green from head to toe. In fact, he planted so many vegetables and gave them away to folks that he got quite a reputation. Folks would say, "Go see the big green giant, and he'll give you some vegetables." This was Al's way of trying to get people to be vegetarians. Well, a canning company noticed it and started using his reputation to sell their cans of vegetables. But they changed the name to "Green Giant" and didn't pay Al a cent. That's corporate America, for ya!

One day, Al was checking out some wind farms in Texas when he ran into the meanest, dirtiest snake of them all, Tex Oilman. Now Tex was just as tall as Al but instead of walking everywhere he had an enormous truck. It got negative miles-to-the-gallon and belched out black smoke constantly especially when Tex would peel out the wheels burning rubber on the pavement.
Tex was eating a steak when he drove up and smoking a cigarette, unfiltered of course.
"You better stop it, Tex." Al would say, "Or I'll..."
"Or you'll what?" said Tex.
"You're kind is dying, Tex. A new generation of earth-conscience, eco-friendly people is on the rise. Just look around at these wind turbines." said Al boldly.
"Who do you think owns them wind turbines?" snarled Tex. "I'll tell you who--me and my oil companies!"
As Tex stepped out of the truck Al noticed that Tex had a pumpjack for a belt buckle... and wind turbines for spurs.
Well sir, the truth broke Al's heart that day into pieces. He slunk away never to be seen again.
Ole Tex Oilman is still somewhere out west around Odessa. Legend says that Big Green Al can be spotted on busy days around Whole Foods Market in Austin.
And on cold, still nights, if you are real quiet-like you can still hear Tex and Al arguing about the environment coming from the Texas State Capitol building.

Babies versus Bears

The battle lines were drawn. The morning sun glistened on the brown coats of Grizzlies, disappeared into the glossy coats of Black Bears, and blinded off the white coats of the Polar Bears. A careful observer could also detect a slight breeze from the ripple of the fur. Thousands of bears were mustered in this valley to finish the battle once and for all with the Babies.
Just 20 feet from the front lines of the Bears lay the Babies--wriggling, cooing, spitting up, flapping arms, and yes, some comatose in sleep. The pinks, blues, and pastel colors of their onesies looked more like a patchwork quilt spread on the hill rather than a mighty army.
The time had come and Bruin, the general of the bears, stood up on his hind legs. He pawed the air with arms that could push over a tree stump or mutilate a hunter in elk country. As one, the bears let out a mighty roar, "RAW-UH-RAWWR!"
At first the Babies did nothing. They were in collective shock. General Gideon, the baby with the tallest hair, scrunched up his face and quivered his lips. In unison the Babies gasped and heaved their tiny diaphrams. Then they let out a blaring wail, "WAAAHHHH!"
The Bears never saw it coming.
Just like that the bears were put to flight leaving nothing behind but scat and defeat.